Henrietta United
Rev.
David Inglis
Luke 6:37-42
Doorways to the Realm of God: 5. “The Measure We Give
Is the Measure We Get”
A middle-aged woman was riding a subway train in
“What’s wrong with parents these days?” the woman
muttered to herself. “No wonder so many
kids get into trouble. Nobody’s
disciplining them or even watching them.”
The kids’ antics kept up, and she couldn’t stand it
any more. Finally she went over to the
man and said, “Excuse me sir, but I think your kids need some parenting.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said. “I guess I was really lost in a fog. My wife just died at
Judgment or understanding. Every time we interact
with anyone, we choose which attitude we lead with. Everybody has reasons for
doing what they do. The French have a saying, “To understand is to forgive.”
It took me a long time to become aware of this
choice. I was very judgmental when I was
growing up, I majored in judgment. I had
the world divided into good and bad, right and wrong, superior and
inferior. It didn’t take me long to figure
out that if I at least put on the appearance of doing things right, I couldn’t
get blamed or scolded for doing things wrong.
So my “values” were really a way to protect my sensitive feelings from
criticism. Not only did they help
protect me from getting yelled at, they also allowed me to look down at other
people from my lofty position, evaluate what they did and said, and see how it
measured up to my standards. My ego got
a real charge out of playing God.
But then I began to notice the down side. People don’t like to be around someone who
acts like God–judging and criticizing them.
I couldn’t figure why they didn’t want to know the right way to talk and
think and act. It worked for me. Not only did trying to play God lock me into
a prison of loneliness, but I had to breathe the same judgment and criticism I
was putting out into the world. I was
always worrying if I was doing something wrong that someone might find out and
criticize me for, if that I would make me feel the shame of not living up to my
own standards.
This is why Jesus said, “Do not judge, and you will
not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned....The measure you
give will be the measure you get back.”
I didn’t really stop playing God until I finally let
the real one take the place of my own ego–which, to tell the truth, wasn’t all
that qualified for the job. To my
relief, I found that the real God wasn’t full of judgment. God was full of mercy, and loved me–all of
me, even the undeserving parts–the way I was.
And it was that love that helped me get unstuck and grow beyond where I
was. Because the way we grow into better people is by growing in our capacity
to be humble channels of love.
That’s when I began to learn the deep, liberating
truth of what Jesus said in the fifth beatitude: “Blessed are the merciful, for
they will receive mercy.” Mercy is like
water flowing through a stream. The stream gives it and receives it at the same
time. Blessed are those who look at others and themselves through eyes of
compassion instead of judgment.
In Jesus’ language, Aramaic, the word that’s translated
“merciful” (rahme) means to be moved in
one’s innards. Jesus was telling us to
be open enough to another person that we feel ourselves being moved or touched
by what they feel. In the Hebrew scriptures
that Jesus grew up with, the written Hebrew word we translate as “mercy” or lovingkindness” is chesedh. Biblical scholar William Barclay said that chesedh, mercy, means the ability to get
right inside the other person’s skin until we can see things with their eyes,
think things with their mind, and feel things with their feelings.1
Have you ever listened to someone with this level of
compassion or empathy? When I let go of
all judgments, analysis, and compulsion to fix other people’s problems and just
let myself be with another person where they are, it feels like my usual body
armor comes off, and all there is between the other person and myself is a thin
membrane the reverberates in my own heart and soul. The compassion fills me and
renews me as I give it. Both the other
person and I are blessed. What Jesus
said is very true: “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive
mercy.” The measure we give is the
measure we get back, whether it is judgment or mercy.
Being heard, understood, accepted, and having your
being-ness affirmed at this level can transforms both lives and
relationships.
Some of you remember hearing about Marshall
Rosenberg, who developed a powerful way of connecting with people that he calls
Nonviolent Communication. It shows us
how to remove all the judgments, labels, comparisons, blaming, and coercion
from our interactions, and invites us to vulnerably communicate our feelings,
our values, and what we would like. If
we get attacked, blamed, criticized, or coerced, we don’t take it personally,
because it’s not really about us. We
actively listen for the feelings, values, and unmet needs of the other person,
and show them that we’re trying to hear and understand them.
In workshops, Marshall will take the couple with the
longest standing conflict and guarantee that they can resolve it in 20 minutes
after they can empathically state what the other person’s feelings and needs
are. It always works.
And it works in deep-seated political conflicts. Marshall went to mediate between a Christian
and a Muslim tribe that lived in the same village in Nigeria. The two sides had fallen into violence and
murder over how much space in the marketplace each tribe was entitled to. When he sat down between the leaders of each
tribe, he knew that some of their children and relatives had been killed by
others in the room.
He told them he wanted to hear what their needs were
that weren’t being met and what their feelings were about it.
The Christian chief jumped up, “You people are murderers!”
The Muslim chief jumped up and said, “You people have
been dominating us for 80 years, and we’re not going to tolerate it!”
All of this was happening through a translator. So it took a minute to quiet them down. It sounded like an awful start, but it didn’t
surprise or throw Marshall. He calls attacks
“tragic expressions of unmet needs.” So
when people attack each other, he listens underneath that for their core human
feelings and their unmet needs, and helps them tune into themselves at that
level too.
So he said to the first chief who had just called the
other tribe murders, “So do I hear right
that you are frightened about violence being used against your people. Your
need is to find some way to resolve any conflicts without using violence.”
“That’s exactly what I said!”
So he said to the second chief, “Would you be willing
to tell me what you heard the first chief say?”
“They’re liars! You can’t believe a thing they say!”
“Who’s a liar!” responded the other one.
I’m going to give you a chance to respond later, but
first could you tell me what you heard him say his feelings and needs were?”
“I don’t know.”
“Let me tell you what I heard him say. I heard him
say he’s scared of using violence for resolving conflict…”
“Then why did he kill my child?”
“We’ll deal with that next. But before we do that,
could you repeat back what he’s saying his feelings and needs are.”
“Say it again.”
“I heard him say he’s frightened, and has a need that
no matter what conflicts are resolved, they’re not resolved by violence.”
“So he’s saying he’s scared, and has a need to
resolve conflicts without violence.”
“Now I’d like to hear your feelings and needs.”
“I told you before, these people are trying to
dominate us. And we’re not going to take it any more.”
“If I hear you, you are feeling frustrated, because
you have a need for equality. Is that what you’re saying?”
“Of course!”
“Chief, could you tell me back what you heard him
feeling and needing?”
It took awhile, but he finally was able to say and
connect with the other tribe’s frustration and desire for equality.
After some amount of going back and forth, and
repeatedly hearing and articulating each other’s feelings and needs, one of the
chief suddenly stood up and said,
“We cannot learn this in one day. And if we can speak
this way, we don’t have to kill each other.”
Marshall has found over and over again that, no
matter how angry they are, people’s real need isn’t to get their way or
eliminate those who are thwarting them.
Their real need is for their feelings to be understood and their deep
human needs respected. Once their
feelings and needs are compassionately understood and affirmed, they no longer
have to defend their position, defeat their opponent or insist on controlling
the outcome. And this opens up their capacity to empathize with the other
person’s they can understand and respect each other’s feelings and needs. This in turn opens up the other person to
empathize with them, they can always figure out a way to work out their
conflict so that everyone’s needs are met. “Blessed are the merciful, for they
shall receive mercy.” “The measure you give will be the measure you get back.”
Now let’s talk about us here as HUCC. The amount of life, energy and initiatives
going on here these days is phenomenal.
We are the envy of almost any church that knows about us. Wherever there is life and growth, there is
change. I’d say this church has been
amazingly able to embrace change and growth and to welcome lots of new members,
listen to their ideas, support their leadership, and minister to their
needs. But we are facing growth and
change on lots of fields at once: our size is shifting us from a pastor-size
church to a program-size church, where the pastors have less time to minister
to people one-on-one, and where new ways are needed to help people feel part of
a close, supportive community. There’s a
growing desire to look at ways of better meeting our building space needs. And there’s a renewed interest in becoming a
church that is not just open, but also affirming of everyone, including sexual
minorities.
This is a lot to have happening all at once! At the Mental Aerobics class yesterday,
Barbara Bruce told us that the only people who really like change are wet
babies. The more change that we have to
adapt to, the more chance there is for disagreements to develop into factions
and divisions. And there will be
differences in opinions, because in our denomination we acknowledge and even
celebrate the truth that God made us all uniquely, and we celebrate that we
don’t have to try to squeeze our deepest beliefs, our highest values, or our
Christian practices into a one-size-fits-all-box.
But these changes and differences can actually
draw us together–if we keep coming back to the chesed,
the rehme, the compassionate mercy that
Jesus’ fifth beatitude is about. If we
suspend our own judgments and our labels, and keep remembering to listen for
the feelings, values and needs in each other, we will create such a safe space,
such an atmosphere of mutual respect, such a place of affirmation, that our
differences don’t divide us at all, but create opportunities for us to grow and
deepen in understanding of each other and of ourselves. In fact, this is the way Gene defined
“affirming” to us in the group discussion last Sunday in response to his
sermon. He said, “To be affirming means
to respect and support each other as fellow human beings, even with our
differences and disagreements.” The 22
of us who were there experienced the power of this kind of all-embracing
affirmation as we shared our different feelings, concerns, values, experiences,
hopes, and learnings with each other. It was so powerful and healing that everyone
wants more. So we’ll share that sacred
encounter again after worship May 18–and everyone of any perspective and experience
is truly welcome.
Whether we lead with judgment or with compassion has
huge ramifications for how much intimacy or distance we have with our loved
ones, for how much of God’s love we reflect to each other in our church, and
for whether we fuel conflict or peace in the world. We can construct a frame of judgment,
criticism, and distinctions that separate us from what’s alive and moving in
ourselves and each other. Or we can
create an atmosphere of mercy, compassion and understanding that deeply
connects us at the level of heart and soul, even deeper than our
differences.
“The measure we give will be the measure we get.” “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.”