Henrietta United Church of Christ

Rev. David Inglis February 17, 2006

Matthew 5:43-48

“Close Enemies”

[A PowerPoint presentation of pictures and text accompanied this sermon]

“Love your enemies. Pray for those who persecute you.” We usually think of our enemies as terrorists, or politicians we vehemently disagree with, or the person at work that’s always taking potshots at us.

But sometimes it feels like our enemies are the people who are closest to us, as this song reminds us (play first verse of “Anger and Tears” by Northern Lights).

Of course we know that our loved ones aren’t really our enemies. We do love them. But that doesn’t keep the home front from turning into a battleground sometimes, and we end up attacking and hurting each other, despite our best intentions. Most violence happens not in city streets, but at home, and that doesn’t even count the emotional violence that never gets detected but that leaves scars that outlast the physical ones, as some of you well know.

So today we’re going to talk about how to love our close enemies–the ones we most want to love, but sometimes want to choke in our frustration or anger or disappointment or fear. Loving someone who is making you angry requires a different kind of love from the romantic love and the mellow committed love that Barbara talked about last week, and from the filial love that bonds us into families, friendships and churches. It requires the power of agape love. Agape love takes us deeper than our likes and dislikes of people, deeper than our opinions and judgments about them, and deeper than our ego’s own wants. Agape love was the love we saw at work in Jesus who saw every enemy, every sinner, every outcast, as none other than a child of God. It’s a love without judgment, and so we call it unconditional love. Jesus challenges us to love our enemies, to love the people who are frustrating us or misunderstanding us or making life hard for us, not because they deserve it, but because, hidden underneath their anger or selfishness or carelessness or fear there lies a precious soul created in God’s image, just as there lies one underneath our anger and resentment and judgment. Agape love and only agape love has the power to awaken and call forth that hidden innocence, and thus transform enemies into the brothers and sisters that we truly are.

Some of you remember a number of years ago when we did a group study of Marshall Rosenberg’s approach to conflict called Nonviolent Communication. Rosenberg talks about two basic approaches to conflict. The first way is that of self protection. When they’re threatened, many people act like a jackal. When a jackal feels threatened, it bares its teeth, snarls, or bites. And so when the jackal in us is awakened, we

• When their own inner jackal comes up, snarling and ready to bite, giraffes step back and look inside their anger and become aware of what’s really triggering it. What are they afraid of? What are they saddened by? What do they need that is being denied? What button is getting pushed? Shifting from being driven by the anger to being aware of what it’s really about begins opening some ways to channel it to a constructive outcome.

• Giraffes move past their judgments and labeling and blaming the other person to remembering that they are a fellow human being, a child of God, who is in a learning process themselves. As soon as we label or judge a person, we depersonalize them, so we break our connection. Giraffes remember that we’re all souls trying to do our best with what we know.

• Giraffes actively empathize with the other person and make it safe for them to be who they are where they are. This is the only way to make heart to heart contact with them and to establish trust, so both their needs can be met.

• Giraffes listen underneath the other person’s attacks for a need that isn’t being met, and they respond to that need, rather than to the attack.

• Giraffes explain their own needs and ask the other person to respect that need. This is where the giraffe really has to stick their neck out. They have to trust that if they help the other person feel safe, when the giraffe gets vulnerable and says what they need, the other person will respond in a human, respectful way.

• They work out a solution that fairly meets both people’s needs.

Now let’s see how this approach can be applied to a tough real life situation. In this situation, Bill, who’s 15 and doesn’t have a license, took a car that belonged to his father’s friend George without George’s permission, and Bill took George’s daughter Eva and another friend for a joy ride. He returned the car undamaged to the garage. He would have gotten away with it, but George’s 14-year-old daughter, Eva, told her father what had happened. George then told Bill’s father, who is now going to have a talk with Bill. Bill has been learning about Nonviolent Communication, and we’ll see him working to apply what he’s been learning to this situation. This skit is based on a conversation that actually happened, but I’ll intervene to help Bill let you know what he’s thinking.

Father (accusingly): So I hear you, Eva and Chris took George’s car without asking.

Bill (defensively): No, we didn’t!

Father: (in a loud voice): Don’t lie to me; it’ll only make it worse!

Bill rolls his eyes, crosses his arms and puts up a wall, expecting to get hit with all his father’s anger.

Pastor: Now Dad, where do you see this conversation going?

Father: I guess I’m about to find a way to blow away his defense, punish him for his stupidity, and teach him a lesson.

Pastor to Bill: And where would that leave you, Bill?

Bill: Resenting my dad even more, if that’s possible. Making sure I never get caught at what I do, or if I do, trying not to care about what my father does.

Pastor: Do those reactions sound familiar to you?

Father: Yeah, that’s exactly how he reacts to my trying to discipline him.

Pastor: Do they sound familiar in any other way?

Father: Well, yeah. That’s how I reacted when my father tried to discipline me too.

Pastor: So, you’ve been learning about another approach to conflicts, where both parties win. Would you like to come out of this with you and your son in agreement with each other instead of as enemies of each other?

Father: Yeah, I really would like that.

Pastor: So how have you been learning to change from attacking to connecting?

Father: I guess I need to check in with myself and see what I’m really feeling and what I need. I’m really angry because somebody could have gotten hurt. And because Bill betrayed my trust in him. I didn’t think he’d do something so stupid. So I’m disappointed that he let me down like this, and that I don’t think I can trust him. What I need is to know is whether I can trust him. I need to count on him being more responsible and thinking about the consequences of his actions.

Pastor: Good. You’ve gone from reactive feelings to identifying what you need. What else do you need to do to make a constructive connection with Bill?

Father: Well, I need to remind myself that he’s more than just his actions. He’s a good person inside, even when it’s hard to see sometimes. I need to try to tune into what he’s feeling and connect with him there.

Pastor: Do you feel ready to give it a try?

Father: I’ll try. I don’t want this just to be another blowup. (To Bill): Bill, you say you didn’t take George’s car. Are you worried that if you give me accurate information, you’ll be punished?

Bill: Yeah, you’re always so mean whenever I do anything you don’t like.

Father: Are you saying you’d like more understanding and fairer treatment for

what you do?

Bill: Oh, sure, like I’m really gonna get fair treatment and understanding from you!

Father: You’re going to have to give me a second here so I don’t blow my top. I’m really trying to understand you this time, Bill. (Takes a breath). So it sounds to me like you’re worried that no matter what you say, you won’t be treated fairly?

Bill: What do you care about treating me fairly? When something happens, you just want someone to punish. Besides, what’s the big deal? Even if we did take the car, no one got hurt and it’s back where it was. I mean, this is no major crime wave.

Father: Are you scared there’ll be harsh consequences if you admit to taking the car, and you’re wanting to trust that you’ll be treated justly?

Bill: Yeah.

Father: Okay. So what could I do to give you that reassurance?

Bill: Promise to never punish me again.

Father: Well, that’s a tall order. But you know, I’d be open to that agreement if you agree to stay in dialogue with me. That is, we talk until I’m satisfied you’re aware of all the possible consequences of your having taken that car. But if it happens that I’m not confident that you see the potential danger of what you’re in for, I might still use force—but only in order to protect you.

Bill: Wow, great! It really feels good knowing I’m so stupid you have to use force to protect me from myself!

Father (turning to Pastor): “Man, there are times when I could just kill the little.... I’m so furious when he says things like that! It really doesn’t seem like he cares. Okay. What am I needing here? I’m needing to know, when I’m working this hard, that at least he cares.

(To Bill): You know, Bill, when you say things like that, I get really teed off. I’m trying so hard to stay with you on this, and when I hear things like that.... Look, I need to know if you even want to keep talking with me.

Bill: I don’t care.

Father: Bill, I’m really wanting to listen to you rather than fall into my old habits of blaming and threatening you whenever something comes up that I’m upset about. But when I hear you say things like, “It feels good to know I’m so stupid” in the tone of voice you just used, I find it hard to control myself. I could use your help on this. That is, if you would rather me listen to you than blame or threaten. Or if not, then, I suppose my other option is to just handle this the way I’m used to handling things.

Bill: And what would that be?

Father: Well, by now, I’d probably be saying, “Hey, you’re grounded for two years no TV, no car, no money, no dates, no nothing!”

Bill: Well guess I’d want you to do it the new way then.

Father: (with humor) I’m glad to see that your sense of self preservation is still intact. Now I need you to tell me whether you’re willing to share some honesty and vulnerability

Bill: What do you mean by “vulnerability”?

Father: It means that you tell me what you are really feeling about the things we’re talking about, and I tell you the same from my end. (In a firm voice) Are you willing?

Bill: Okay, I’ll try.

Father: (with sigh of relief) Thank you. I’m grateful for your willingness to try. Did I tell you — George grounded Eva for three months — she won’t be allowed to do anything. How do you feel about that?

Bill: Oh man, what a bummer; that’s so unfair!

Father: I’d like to hear how you really feel about it.

Bill: I told you — it’s totally unfair!

Father: Are you sad that she’s having to pay so much for her mistake?

Bill: No, it’s not that. I mean, it wasn’t her mistake really.

Father: Oh, so are you upset she’s paying for something that was your idea to start with?

Bill: Well, yeah, she just went along with what I told her to do.

Father: Sounds to me like you’re kind of hurting inside seeing the kind of effect your decision had on Eva.

Bill: Sorta.

Father: Bill, I really need to know that you are able to see how your actions have consequences.

Bill: Well, I wasn’t thinking about what could’ve gone wrong. Yeah, I guess I did really screw up bad.

Father: I’d rather you see it as something you did that didn’t turn out the way you wanted. And I’m still needing reassurance about your being aware of the consequences. Would you tell me what you’re feeling right now about what you did?

Bill: I feel really stupid, Dad... I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

Father: You don’t have to call yourself names, Bill. It sounds like you’re sad, and you regret what you did because you’d like to be trusted not to do harm?

Bill: Yeah, I didn’t mean to cause so much trouble. I just didn’t think about it.

Father: Are you saying you wish you had thought about it more and gotten clearer before you acted?

Bill: Yeah.

Father: Well, it’s reassuring for me to hear that, and for there to be some real healing with George, I would like you to go to him and tell him what you just told me. Would you be willing to do that?

Bill: Oh man, that’s so scary, he’ll be really mad.

Father: Yeah, it’s likely he will be. That’s one of the consequences. Are you willing to be responsible for your actions? I like George and I want to keep him for a friend, and I’m guessing that you would like to keep your connection with Eva. Is that the case?

Bill: She’s one of my best friends.

Father: So shall we go see them?

Bill: (fearfully and reluctantly) Well.., okay. Yeah, I guess so.

Father: Are you scared and needing to know that you will be safe if you go there?

Bill: Yeah.

Father: We’ll go together: I’ll be there for you and with you. I’m really proud that you are willing.

Bill: Thanks, Dad. Okay. We can do it.¹

Because there had been such a long history of jackal-to-jackal and jackal-to-turtle interactions, it took a lot of doing for this father to win his son’s trust. But the father was eventually successful, because he didn’t let his inner jackal take over. He led with his heart, kept his ears open, stuck his neck out, and used the power of unconditional love to get what he most wanted and needed for his son and himself–his son to be aware of the consequences of his behavior, and mutual trust and respect between the two of them.

This approach to handling conflict has prevented rapes, assaults, and even wars, as well many a battle at home. It draws directly on the mysterious power of agape love, the same force that Jesus set loose to redeem us and transform the world into the kingdom of God.

May God give us the courage to tap the power of this love to transform all of our enemies into soul mates and partners on this journey of life.